Happy New Year,
I don’t know how many New Year’s eves I spent in a dark, smelly casino hoping for a win that would erase the past years losses and bring me into the new year whole. Looking back now, I know, no amount of money would have ever made me whole. I was broke in ways that money was never going to fix. I needed help, I needed healing, but first, I needed hope.
I remember last New Year’s Eve, coming home after gambling everything I had, feeling helpless, hurting, with no hope in sight. I was so tired of the cycle of my addiction. On the outside looking in, I had a good life. I was married, had a good job, good friends and took great vacations. But if you looked close enough you would see a facade that was about to shatter. I became a person who lied, manipulated and gaslighted to hide and feed my addiction. It’s when I started believing the lies I was telling everyone, I knew things had to change and I finally decided I had to stop gamblng if I was ever going to find my truth again. So, January 1st 2021, I stopped gambling…for about 2 months. The first stressful situation I encountered, I slipped right back into the madness. It lasted about a week until I spent every penny I could get my hands on. I just remember feeling this absolute loss of control over my own mind and body. It felt like I was on autopilot or like I was just standing beside my body watching the destruction unfold and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I walked out to my car feeling so weighed down by the loss of money; that’s when the self loathing and utter despair started to seep into my mind and thoughts of ending my life flooded my brain. Thoughts like “I will never be able to stop the destruction I’m causing”, “Everyone will be better off without me”, “People will never see good in me again” and “I’m just so tired of being sick and tired”. I just wanted it all to stop and for my brain to go quiet. I looked at my phone and there was a picture of my mom and sisters. It was then I knew I didn’t want to leave them, I didn’t want to end my life, I wanted to kill the addiction but I couldn’t do it alone. I needed help. I went to my mom the next day and shared the truth of my addiction. She listened and offered her support. The feeling of being seen and heard for the first time in years is a feeling I will never forget. It was the feeling of HOPE and it changed my life.
2021 was a huge year of transition for me. I found recovery, connection, my voice and most importantly I found a piece of my authentic self. 2022 will be a year of pushing myself outside my comfort zone (even more than sharing my soul in a podcast) to help others find their truth again. Thank you all for your support and I hope to see you around!